Dante’s Inferno speaks merely of nine circles of hell, but because Dante was a guy (who, yeah, also lived during the 14th century), I think he missed out on a HORRIBLE, awful, miserable 10th circle: summer swimsuit season.
Oh yes. Welcome to the torture chamber–known commonly as the dressing rooms of any major department store.
Here’s the deal. Swimsuit shopping isn’t fun for anyone (even for women with the body of pubescent boys, the kind you often see on runways). For me, I’ve come to the sad conclusion there are like zero bikini tops I could ever wear, as many are practically just 3 inches of fabric….
Forget going shopping with anyone you want to stay civil towards! Who would’ve imagined that shopping for a yard (or less) of waterproof material would turn mother against daughter, sister against sister, and friend into foe? It’s a battleground of emotions.
And swimsuit shopping is practically like preparing for the Hunger Games! Whenever I’m in line at Target, I see all the dozens of headlines around February promoting getting “beach abs in 5 minutes/seconds flat!” and those headlines are definitely enough to inspire me to prepare for swimsuit season…for a day.
Most of the time during these exercise fantasies, I give up because a) I love food and b) I like the way I look anyways. Plus, I’m whiter than a piece of paper, so even if I achieved beach abs, I would literally blind someone the second they saw my pale flesh. Beauty is pain(ful for others)? Maybe?
With one day of dieting under my belt, I always feel slightly more prepared to go into the 10th circle of hell/Macy’s swimwear department. …This is ALWAYS a huge mistake. H-U-G-E.
Inevitably you’ll: find something adorable, try it on, hate it, it’s too small, your body is betraying you, one single tear will fall down your face, you yell at your mom/shopping companion, you’ll maybe cuss, you march back to the racks and find 435 more suits, they’re all ugly, you have to go up a size, all the suits you see are grandma-ish, you hate everything in the world, repeat, repeat, repeat (results may vary.)
If you’re lucky (and that’s a big if), you’ll find something. Maybe even the bathing suit beyond your wildest dreams! If you’re not so lucky, no worries–there’s always 6 more department stores to visit…womp, womp.
Here are my AMAZING RULES FOR SWIMSUIT SHOPPING, created just now:
1. Okay, so you don’t look stunning in bandeau tops (who does, y’all?). Try something else that you might not have before.
2. PLEASE don’t squeeze yourself into something that God did not intend for your body. Oh girl.
3. YOU ARE HOT. Duhhhh! You don’t need a certain size or bathing suit style to tell you that. Please.
I dream of a world where one day, shopping for bathing suits won’t be so torturous. Until then, godspeed, fellow shoppers.