Actually, I owned Justin Lookadoo’s “R U Dateable?” book.

Posted in Soapbox by Kelsy

All the current uproar over Christian speaker Justin Lookadoo’s controversial dating message and speech to a Texan high school reminded me of a yet another reason why I write: I once owned his book back in 2008 or so. It’s interesting to look back and see the subtle influencers in my life and how in many ways, I had to completely abandon them in order to be mentally & relationally healthy today. Christian dating books were bad influences in my life–maybe I read them too young, but they molded my mind and heart in unhealthy, incorrect ways.

EDIT: To learn more details (albeit biased perspective) about the current Lookadoo vs. Texas/the Internet debacle, go here.

Growing up in a conservative (although on the scale of 1 to Duggar, we were probably a mere 4, equating to a strange paradoxical system of TV shows we weren’t allowed to watch [no Harry Potter, but yes to “Bewitched”?], True Love Waits rings, and many, many modesty talks [unfortunately even the most concealable of tops from Khols still showed that well, I’m in fact a girl]) household, the idea of “dating” was strange and almost exotic, like a marsupial or the state of Wyoming.

I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16, a birthday that came & went without really doing anything to change my relationship status. (It’s not like 12:00AM on my birthday a godly and wonderful (but never “hot,” because as my friends and I would say, a person is not a temperature) boy showed up to profess his sudden interest in courting me. Nope. I was a laaaaaateeeee bloomer.)

But no matter. I wasn’t 100% sure if I was even allowed to date at 16 anyways, because when I’d broach the subject to my dad, conversations would always be a little like:

Me: So Dad, I’m almost 16 and all my friends are allowed to date then. Can I?

My Dad, the man who went to law school: Define dating. Define a boyfriend. Define a date. Define group dating.

Me: …nevermind.

But being excessively curious, I went to the only place I knew that would give me life-breathed, holy advice for this mystery called dating: the young adult aisle at Family Christian Bookstores.

I’d call it the mecca of Christian stuff, but that seems a little religiously contradictory.

Oh the young adult book aisle. Located conveniently next to Bible aisle, so whenever I’d be poring over the latest Christian dating ~~fad~~ book like “Every Young Woman Needs to Know This About Men” or “Technical Virgin:How Far Is Too Far?” and some blessed little granny would walk by, I could NOT GET CAUGHT looking at a dating book! Me? The intended demographic for a book on dating actually seen READING IT!? NO. So with my lightning fast reflexes, I’d pretend to be looking at the spine of a random NKJV until the danger passed. Psh, me look at dating books? Who do you think I am, a boy crazy pop singer I wasn’t allowed to listen to?

Justin Lookadoo and Hayley DiMarco’s “B4UDate” was actually the first dating book I purchased (and is currently FREE on Amazon Kindle??), albeit still veryyyy nonchalantly. I felt awkward and unwanted, but I hoped by getting this book, I could suddenly learn how to be wanted. Being dateable was the ultimate accolade and proof of worth. (Oh how I wish I could go back and talk to 15 year old me.)

I read a lot of dating books back then (before I even knew very many guys beyond the three weird ones in my homeschool group.) “B4UDate” as well as the countless others (including “Dateable” by the same authors), employ very subtle fear tactics. I was convinced–thanks to these books–that boys were basically untrustworthy, heartless sexual sociopaths. They would use you and then lose you–and of course, as a girl, your most valuable asset was virginity. Once one of these boys/sociopaths tricked you into having sex with him, you were like a useless piece of construction paper pulled apart from another: messed up, void, and unwanted. So, boys were untrustworthy and suspicious. (Let me tell you, it took a really long time for that lie to be retaught into truth.)

One thing I definitely recall from the books that I tried super hard to replicate in my own life was consequently the big controversial bit today: being mysterious (aka shutting up.) Over and over again, I would read that in order for a boy to stay interested (presumably he’s not also trying to get in your pants) was to basically reveal close to nothing about yourself–ever. Be mysterious. Let him ask. Let him talk.

I googled “How to Be Mysterious to Men” and this was the top result….

Anyone who knows me also knows this concept has never really worked for me. I’m the most open book, heart on my sleeve person out there. Even if I’m not talking, you probably know what I think just by looking at me. I’m NOT mysterious. And thus in being myself, I break the ultimate “dateable” rule.

R U Dateable? According to that standard, I sure am not.

And may I just say, thank the Lord for that. Books that hold impressionable young people to impossible (or in many cases, incorrect) gender standards and stereotypes are false teaching. As a society we ought to be better than that and as for the Christian community, come on. Enough is enough.

The truth sets you free. It set me free from that terrible mantle of relationships Christian dating books (here’s looking at you “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”) established in my life and it continues to set me free daily.

Side note: I tried to sell my copy of “B4UDate” to a used bookstore a year or so ago…they wouldn’t take it at all. Hindsight’s 20/20…

13Aug2013

The Time I Tried SIX Dating Sites at Once PART TWO

Posted in Everyday Life by Kelsy

So by now, you’ve probably read part one of this indelible ~~gimmick~~ series, but let me catch you up: My goal was answer the questions: “Why are people afraid to online date?,” “What are people REALLY looking for on these sites?,” and finally “Why do people respond the way they do?”

I had some fun on Match.com & was totally creeped out by SeekingArrangement, but the real testing of my hypotheses came from this batch of dating sites–ok, namely OkCupid.

It’s been SO fun to read everyone’s reactions! Several of y’all have since commented and told me that you’ve met YOUR significant other from online dating–which makes all this a bit more intimidating! ha, I don’t want to somehow disavow the entire system, because, hey, it actually works for lots of people!

Let’s get the reviews of the boring sites out of the way so we can focus in on the good stuff/research. FIRST, listen to John Mayer’s new song which oddly works with online dating, “Who You Love.” Because John Mayer.

While I must give eHarmony points for having the best design & layout, as well as really interesting profile questions, it was the worst site for my experiment. Why? Even with the free trial period of a week or so, NOTHING HAPPENED. I had about 8 matches, but other than a stray wink (like I told you, it’s online dating currency), nothing happened with any of them. I learned in this experiment that an “unspoken rule” is that girls don’t message guys first, but with eHarmony, you have to pay to do ANYTHING but wink. I’m not sure if it’s because I couldn’t see my matches pictures or the fact that none of them were even remotely close to my age or city, but I quickly stopped liking eHarmony. Maybe it’s best for people who are looking for a super serious relationship–not just random 22 year olds doing a bog experiment.

Highlight: Well, the design WAS pretty cool.

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YAWN. An affiliate of match.com, I decided to try it in order to learn “world-renowned biological anthropologist” Dr. Helen Fisher’s “scientific formula” to love. I also love personality tests, so I was all about filling out that profile. The test is awfully similar to the Big 5 personality test, so sadly, that was kind of unrevolutionary. Chemisty.com shows you people who, based on your personality results, would be THE perfect match for you. Unfortunately, the whole site was one big commercial. Although affiliated with Match.com, you have to pay EVEN MORE MONEY in order to actually see your matches. I’m not buying your tricks, Chemistry.com (literally AND figuratively.)

Highlights: None whatsoever. Figure out your Myers-Brigg type to have even more fun than this site. (I’m an ENTJ).

“Christian Mingle is the Club Penguin of online dating” by my partner in crime, Katie Foust of Artistical Thoughts

Or at least that was my first thought about the site because it was so… safe. Too ‘safe,’ actually. The about me section was a series of drop-down menu options so there’s no room for explanation or personalization there. You do get to type out which TV shows you enjoy watching.

When you upload pictures you have to wait at least 24 hours for them to be approved. You could also mail in a physical copy of the picture and they would scan and upload it for you.
When someone was interested in me they could send me a “Smile.” I could either respond with a smile or choose one of their responses. These responses allowed you to show interest in the person, turn them down, or throw a Bible verse at them. I got the occasional message, but I couldn’t read it unless I paid to upgrade.

I eventually decided that using Club Penguin was a better way to meet people online. You can talk to people without paying, be a penguin of your favorite color, choose your favorite activities and where you want to spend your time. You have the opportunity to earn and be responsible with finances. And you also get to decorate a house the way you’d like (which speaks volumes about who you are and your personality).

AT LAST, here’s the real research I found, all thanks to a little site called OkCupid.

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Oh, OkCupid. Very free (minus an unnecessary “A-List” optional fee to help you sort people by body type, etc), extremely popular, and SO FUN (if you enjoy trolling like me). Out of all my accounts, I still have this one…I know I should probably delete it, but it’s just so intriguing.

I’ll show you a few screenshots of my profile, which were pretty normal & totally representative of me. Some people (namely my brother) thought that maybe I lied on profiles for this experiment, which is totally untrue. Each profile was 100% me!

(My profile name was pretty horrible, I know.)

*(Okay, I’ll tell you what an MPDG is–Manic Pixie Dream Girls is this stupid film writing trope that classifies women as “that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.” Think I’m being weird? Case in point–every guy who ever is in love with Zooey Deschanel. I personally don’t ever want to be typecast into the “quirky, adorkable” MPDG girl just because it is such a limited understanding of a person and connotes misogyny. Andddd now I’m rambling.)

There were many, many hilariously serious profiles I found (and apparently, there are also several tumblrs devoted to weird OkCupid profiles! Check them out, but know that some content is probably NSFW. People are sketchy.)

This was one of my favorite little “about me” posts.

I got a LOT of strange messages (and some gross ones which I shall not include), the majority of which I never responded to:

Still my all time favorite comment. You go, Chris.

…I’m just confused…what??

Started out okay (bigandfunny IS a worse sn definitely) but then I just got confused based on the grammatical choices in the sentences…

Then there were questions that really helped me out with my research, namely WHY IN THE WORLD did some people say what they said!? This one guy started a great, normal conversation with me and then three messages later, BAM: literally asked me about my preferences for oral sex.

….Seriously? I know that the Internet adds anonymity and thus, eliminates some of the social fear of rejection, but come on.

Like, how can you tell I’m “different and real” based on a profile? I mean, I’m not THAT convincing of a writer.

…Um? Seriously?

I'm really not sure why this guy needed to tell me he was Indian. That kind of made me sad to think that he's probably been rejected because of his race, which is just not cool or fair.

I’m really not sure why this guy needed to tell me he was Indian. To be honest, it made me sad to think that he’s probably been rejected because of his race, which is just not cool or fair.

And you also get a lot of “Hey”s and “how r u?”s. Seriously, I’m not even sure how a person ought to respond to that. Online Dating Tip: The BEST messages I ever got were from men who asked me questions about the things I wrote about in my profile. So, please for the love of Cupid, do that. Don’t just compliment or say hi awkwardly.

Then I got…THE STRANGEST MESSAGE IN THE UNIVERSE.

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…WHAT?! Why is this a thing!?

Naturally after, I wondered what would happen if I–a pretty girl–was in turn the creepy one. How would the tables turn? Or would they at all!?

And then I would just message random (and I mean RANDOM) guys and just say “Hi” or “Hi. You are cute.” Sometimes they responded…other times, the creepy factor might have won out. We shall never know.

Findings:

All in all, I had great fun with this experiment. I learned a LOT about the enigmatic world of online dating, had actual genuine (as in, not just “Hi, how are you?”) conversations with some pretty cool guys, and definitely abolished the stigmas in my own head about online dating.

Why are people afraid to online date? Before, I was really nervous I’d be judged or seen as desperate (remember that cat lady post? Yeah…), but everyone I told this idea to was really on board! They thought the satire element was really awesome and plus, many of my friends were just as curious about it all! I think that ultimately, people are afraid of the stigma. They don’t want to be seen as unable to meet “real life people.” But that’s not true! EVERYONE online dates. I’m not kidding. Even celebrities and other public figures! Online dating is great if you’ve moved to a new city and want to meet new people or if you’re bored with the people in your city already! There’s really no need to be ashamed.

What are people REALLY looking for on these sites? As I was talking about this experiment to some friends and brought up what I thought was the big, social message–that everyone just wants community–they all groaned at the cheesiness of that idea. But honestly, we do! Everyone wants to find someone or a group of people who they can say “Oh my gosh, me too! I thought I was the only one!” And sometimes, online dating is the easiest way to figure that out! So, I don’t care if that’s trite, I believe it!

Why do people respond the way they do? Oh my gosh, I have NO idea still. You saw some of those outlandish messages…weirddddd. Internet anonymity and lack of personal accountability really makes people do and say crazy things. Think of all the mean, trollish YouTube commentors. Would they say that to a person IRL? Nope. Would some of those online dating guys say disgusting things to a stranger? Hopefully not.

Online Dating Tip: If you want to try it, go for it! If you’re serious about it: use match.com. If you just want to have fun: OkCupid or Tinder, a new app which somehow I missed in my experiment…Maybe I’ll need to try this all again? ;)

6Aug2013

5 Reasons Why NOT to Online Date, as told by gifs

Posted in As Told By Gifs by Kelsy

As part of my “Week of Online Dating” theme, unlike my hard-hitting expose coming later on this week (it’s, like, totally real journalism), here’s 5 reasons why I actually HATE online dating.

Full disclosure: at this time in my life, I would never go on a date with someone off OkCupid or Eharmony, et al (and NEVER Seeking Arrangement, a sugar daddy site with the faaaaaint trace of prostitution). Why? I’m just 22, practically a child, and that just scares me to death! I’ve seen way too many episodes of Catfish. In a few years & once that show’s off the air, then I’ll be ready to online date–unless of course I’m dating Nev Schulman. In the spirit (and hope) of that, here’s my top five reasons to not online date:

1. You might end up as the subject of Catfish (If so, let me pretend to be your sister to meet Nev). As a rule, I have pretty terrible luck. The kind of stuff you might see on a sitcom, but without the laugh track, redeemable 30 minutes later ending, or budget. I’d probably get Catfished immediately. (In fact, I’m pretty sure I “discovered” at least TWO fake accounts on my own.)

2. If you build it, they will come. It meaning a profile, they meaning the CREEPIEST GUYS IN THE UNIVERSE. I am NOT kidding. Your milkshake/cleverly worded profile & tasteful photos brings all the boy weirdos to the yard.

Like the sea of zombies attacking Brad Pitt in “World War Z,” those strange people will be falling all over you. If you have zero self-confidence, I guess maybe you could see it as nice? But no. The answer is no.

I personally don’t understand why the ones who seem to be normal, attractive, and are like 90% your match aren’t as confident as the creepy guys. Is it like “Freaky Friday” every day of the week?

This is an actual photo from an actual OkCupid account

3. You’ll be forced to become an expert avoider. I’m not an avoidant personality type–I will say what needs to be said or be the one to go into awkward situations to fix the problem. But what in the world do you do when someone chats with you & asks to get coffee when you really don’t want to?

I mean, YES, you could say no, but I feel so bad! So I just…avoid the question/don’t respond. This method works GREAT for every online dating scenario: when someone asks for your number, when they want to actually meet (gasp, the horror), when they ask you weird questions like “What can you work on to improve as a woman?”

IGNORE EVERYTHING. I know this is horrible advice, and that’s why this is a reason NOT to online date. You are forced to become what you hate.

4. Online Dating makes dating seem like a total meat market. Basically, you’re just online shopping for a person to be with–and you can be even MORE specific about what you what to do with that person (casual sex, pen pals (I know, weird right?), casual dating, long term dating, etc) or what you want them to look like. This isn’t real, but an automat of personality traits and physical features. I know it works wonderfully for some people, but I think everyone who online dates needs to be careful to not fall into that online shopping trap.

It’s also easy to make it into a game & be heartless about online dating. Because there’s little “real life” contact, I always find it easy to be a total smartass and forget that these accounts are actual people. If I let myself, I become a online dating dictator, completely ignoring people if our “match numbers” are low or if they don’t have a cool profile, or any sort of little whatever.

In real life, that’s not cool. People deserve more than virtual judgement–this is probably the biggest reason I won’t online date. I’m too immature to not be judgmental.

5. Facebook stalking is wayyyyy more fun. A few days in to online dating, the fun will wear away because there’s only so much you can do on there. Stalking “real life” people on social media will never fail or disappoint you. Never. Plus, you can view people’s pages “invisibly”–no one will ever know!

So, my dear friends, if you online date, may the odds be ever in your favor!

9Jun2013

Hugs Are Weird, as told by gifs.

Posted in As Told By Gifs by Kelsy

First, I should explain: “physical touch” is NOT my love language.

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I’ve probably only had like 28 hugs in my entire life that have been not awkward (to me). I mean, I’m no hug floozy (oh, don’t act like you haven’t a clue what I’m talking about…) so (which inevitably leads to my friends taking advantage of my tiny personal space bubble with horrifying hugs en masse.) I ALWAYS overthink and overplan hugs. How’s this possible, you ask? It’s just a hug, you say!

NO.

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..NOT when you’ve grown up reading all about the godforsaken “Christian side hug to leave room for the Holy Spirit” forever imprinted into your psyche. Hugs were scary back then–scarier than the book of Revelation (I went to a really Southern Baptist church. We talked more about hug purity than end times.) But back to the Christian side hugs–

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I’m pretty sure the Holy Spirit wouldn’t want to be taking part of my hug–I don’t even want to! I mean, He can take my place! Please!

So, again, how do you overplan hugs? Just like THIS: You’re at lunch with a friend, having a great conversation, when–look at the time!–you’ve got to go.

You stand up.

They stand up.

Do you reach to hug them? Or wait until they hug you first? Is it a weird side hug? How long will this hug last? Why is it happening? What are the motives behind this hug? Is one hug enough? If it’s overly long, can you try the little pat on the back trick to speed it up? (See, there are lots of questions one might ask themselves.)

I mean, come on. Are high-fives too weird to do in place of hugs? Can that be a thing?

Maybe you don’t even hug & just walk off, as nobody makes the first move. Then it’s arguably worse, because then you wonder what horrible physical defect you must certainly possess if they don’t want to hug you. Do I smell bad? Are you afraid of me? Am I some sort of freak of nature? Do you hate me?

Okay, but obviously, this is very situational. It doesn’t apply to everyone, especially certain people. Like, what if your lunch date happens to be with a gorgeous celebrity? Like Joseph Gordon-Levitt? I’m really, very pro-hug in these situations.

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…Alas, now the entire world knows how weird I can be about hugs.

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P.S. Side hugs are also abominable. If I’m being forced to hug someone, it’d better be the real thing. I’m sure I’m not the ONLY person in the world with personal space issues. And I’m improving! Maybe one day I’ll be able to hug a total stranger and not worry about germ contact. We can only hope. Until then…

21May2013

NEVER take life advice from movie trailers: a short tale of awkwardness

Posted in Everyday Life by Kelsy

Did you ever see “We Bought A Zoo,” that Matt Damon movie where, spoiler alert, they buy a zoo?

Well, as of last summer, I had just seen the trailer. (Just remember this little fact.)

I was working at a really cool advertising agency in downtown Dallas (remember that?) and really wanted to connect & especially meet people my age during the summer. This may sound literally elementary (I’m talking Kindergarten), but I never get tired of making new friends! If my life was constantly like an episode of Arthur, I’d be okay with that.

But okay, let’s be real. There was also a guy.

I know that I’m practically creating a self-fulfilling prophecy when I say this, but if I’m being honest, I’m kind of awkward around guys I’m interested in. I always seem to ignore those I’m into and literally go completely out of my way to avoid them. It’s really stupid, yes. (And also I know it’s super popular for girls to be like “Giggle, I’m so awkward but that makes me cute and adorkable! Giggle!” (for reference, watch anything with Zooey Deschanel) and I rebuke that. “Adorkable” is the worst word mashup on the planet. Maybe even worse than “gradumacated.”)

Texas guy had a desk directly behind mine and was super interesting to me. Mainly because he was an introvert (gasp!) and thus, an absolute enigma. (Yep, I’m apparently very easily fascinated.) On the very first day of my internship, I told myself that my summer goal was to become friends with him. Gotta love summer goals.

Day two of the internship, I was ready to get my plan into motion. But how could I go up and talk to him without it being totally psycho? Well, in case I ever write a book about how to be scary/awkward, step one: use the resources (or lack thereof) around you. My desk was missing a trashcan, so NATURALLY, the best and most organic topic to first start talking to someone is missing trash receptacles.

I went on a decoy trip to the restroom and in the 9 second walk to Texas Guy’s desk, I kept telling myself the stupid mantra from “We Bought A Zoo.”

Not actually that bad of a motto…

YES. I used a line from a MOVIE TRAILER to support my plan to introduce myself to a guy. Not the movie itself. A movie TRAILER. But was that stopping me from completely adopting the motto and running with it? Of course not!

I marched over to his desk, quickly said something awkwardly jumbled like “So, my desk is missing a trash can. Where did you get yours? I’m Kelsy by the way,” tried to make more small talk, and then later returned to my desk. Yeah, I’m really suave.

Long story (and long summer) short, with him, I learned that sometimes “enigmatic” can sometimes just mean “fake.” (To hear those stories, just enroll in my Doc Moe’s, my old boss, Intro to COMM class. She legitimately tells them there, as they’re pretty crazy.)

But hey, in case you were wondering, I got a trashcan for my desk.

19May2013

Watching Awkward Movies with my Parents, as told by gifs

Posted in As Told By Gifs by Kelsy

Words cannot even begin to describe the awkwardness of introducing your parents to a new movie or show that turns out to be a LOT more objectionable than you remember. This happens to me a lot, sadly. Like last week, I introduced my dad to Mad Men. Last week’s episode…happened to filled with a S&M-esque tryst. Cool. (I’m still scarred for life from when I convinced my dad & 17 year old brother to go see “The Master” in theaters with me. What…was…I…thinking?!)

So, just like always, the movie begins just as you remember. So far, so good (unless your family’s like mine & have infamous question askers. While, yes, sometimes I talk in movies, asking constant questions is THE WORST.)

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But then you remember that one really inappropriate scene in the movie, but can’t remember when it happens…and suddenly are on edge.

Anything slightly objectionable makes you really, really nervous & you’re constantly checking your parents’ faces to gauge their reaction. My method is to talk loudly about ANYTHING ELSE in order to distract them from the screen.

And then, IT happens.

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My parents:

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Me:

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Try as you might to defend the movie (or in my case last week, Mad Men), you know it’s a lost cause. You lost all movie choosing clout. Get ready to watch campy superhero movies for the rest of your life.

4Aug2012

“You’re so sweet, I’m getting a cavity” & other horrible pickup lines.

Posted in Everyday Life by Kelsy

Oh hey, what’s up? …I know. It’s been forever. My last week at work has been absolutely crazy busy and plus, I just didn’t feel like writing. Whoops.

This little post was something I wrote June 28, 2010 on my “Kelsy Goes to College” blog. It’s proof that I’ve been sarcastic for…pretty much forever. Continue reading →

The Accidental Extrovert

Tag Archives: awkward

Actually, I owned Justin Lookadoo’s “R U Dateable?” book.

The Time I Tried SIX Dating Sites at Once PART TWO

5 Reasons Why NOT to Online Date, as told by gifs

Hugs Are Weird, as told by gifs.

NEVER take life advice from movie trailers: a short tale of awkwardness

Watching Awkward Movies with my Parents, as told by gifs

“You’re so sweet, I’m getting a cavity” & other horrible pickup lines.

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